LIGHTWATER JOKE EXCHANGE

Thanks to James for these:

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with
me, but she was running a bit late. Being a forward fellow, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could
throw a quick "Hello, Jim" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said,
"Hi Jim, what's happening?" To which I replied, "Shove it, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

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Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in a fatal freeway pileup.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replied, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples' pain."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates; "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

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A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." . . . .
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Humour from the Internet - does humour travel? Let me know what you think.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the passports of bald men?

Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be..

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

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You've got to love New Yorkers!

A Kentucky Fried Chicken Location in New York had a special on what they were calling "A Bucket Of Hillary" -- two small breasts, two large thighs, and a bunch of Left Wings!

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Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

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My friend was invited to one of the golfing days arranged in aid of an Alzheimer's group, but on arrival he found no one to play with because the members keep forgetting to turn up.

Subject: Kids

A touch of humour for today!!!!

"When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. Jons, the Black smith, dumped water on his head."

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led asstray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles."

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a rac of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession of a taximan."

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battleof Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."

"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse."

"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a New York city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad.

The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly arrived and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?!" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook???"

"No..." answered the salesman. "He came in to buy some Ibuprofen for his wife's migraine and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."

FBI agents conducted a raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital currently under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI who were taping the hospital.

Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda."

Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"

Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."

Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"

Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."

Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"

Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."

Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"

Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas."

Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"

Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"

Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"

Agent "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."

Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"

Agent "I have my checkbook right here."

Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"

Agent "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked."

Pizza Man: "I don't think so."